Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Lost Art of Writing Love Letters

I realized how precious it is to write love letters today when I had to drive 50 miles to get to the only post office that will send my letter via regular post.

There used to be mailing stations where the internet cafes are now. Emails have taken over the art of correspondence, a.k.a, snail mail. Everything needs to be sent in a rush nowadays. Whatever mailing stations are left offer either a next-day delivery or a 3-day express. Both of which will cost an arm and a leg. What a scam!

There is a certain kind of romance in sending love letters. Somehow the emotions you convey are more sincere. The thoughts you put in writing have more substance. The feelings, more tangible. We should all be so lucky to receive at least one love letter in our lifetime.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Waiting Game

I hate it.

I have always been an impatient person. I hate waiting in line for anything. I hate sitting outside the doctor's office. I hate standing on the corner for the bus. I hate the last few days before a big "surprise".

I would rather not know when something is going to happen. Or if it is, at all. I think I will cope better with shock than suspense. I get anxious if I am told to wait at a certain time. I get disappointed if there are any delays. I get raving mad if "IT" doesn't happen altogether.

I see no reason why someone would put someone else in such a state. Why ask another person to wait? What if what was promised never comes to fruition? What then? Can you go back to that other person and say, "Oh, sorry to keep your hopes up/make you worry/scare you. Never mind, it's not happening. You can stop waiting now."

Making someone wait is cruel. There should be no promises, no guarantees; under-promise, over-deliver! There should be no disappointments, no hurt, no hate. No waiting anymore. And no more games.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I kind of lost momentum. Well, WE kind of lost momentum. We were on a roll, going out every night since Sunday.

First we had that first date where everything went wrong, and we did everything backwards. Two Sundays ago, because we both could not bear the anticipation that two weeks of long distance phone calls and all-night chatting had generated, we decided to meet. We had both just gotten out of 4 hour-flights, had both just flown back in from out of state. We were both tired, stinky, and excited.

While on our first in-state phonecall that night, we Googled up my sister's house, and made a date for 30 minutes later... which turned into an hour... and a half later. I had just enough time to wash my face, brush my teeth and fix my hair. I was lucky I had so much time while waiting for him, He had to freshen up while talking to me on the phone.

Anyway, we had several hits and misses that first night. He kind of got lost coming over, and what should have been a 30-minute drive took almost 2 hours. I froze my butt off waiting outside the house so he doesn't miss it. We stayed on the phone the whole time so I could give him directions, which wasn't much help because I coudn't get my bearings. He had just pulled into a gas station to ask for directions when my phone died.

When I returned the phone inside the house, I accidentally locked the door behind me on my way back out. No, it was not intentional. I could hear the phone ringing inside and I felt helpless. If he didn't get the directions, and if he didn't find me, I would freeze to death.

But he did find me. It was so late by then the only place open was a Denny's. So we stayed there for several hours, talking. We weren't hungry so I had coffee, and he had OJ. He didn't drink coffee, do you believe that? He did say Denny's wasn't what he had in mind for our first date. So much for first impressions. After a while, we headed back to the house. But it was still too early to ring the bell so we sat in the car, freezing, until it was late enough to wake up my sister.

So it wasn't the perfect first date. We didn't mind. We both felt we had known each other all our lives that meeting each other face to face seemed like just a formality. He did bring me roses. And we had such a fun time. We laughed about that night. And he totally made up for it.

He took me out every night after that. We went to the movies 3 nights in a row. The plan was to see each other every night until I had to leave. That WAS the plan, until he got sick. We missed our only weekend together, and it has been 4 days now tha we haven't seen each other. So now we kind of lost momentum. And I can't help thinking that this is probably how it's going to feel like after I leave.

After a few days, all that excitement is probably just going to wear off. All those haphazard dates, I will probably start to forget. We will both get back into our routines: him at his job, me at my... uhm...

I wonder if I'm going to see him tonight.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Jaded Meets Romantic

I feel like I am on a Prozac-Valium cocktail. Getting high one minute, and crashing the next.

I am dating again, and I have almost forgotten how good that feels. I cannot remember the last time I had smiled so much, or for so long. My jaws would hurt at the end of the day, and I would wonder why. I don't even realize that I have probably overworked my cheeks with the oversized grins.

So this is what dating is all about. It's about late night, all night phone calls. It's about on-the-spot coffee dates at 2am. It's about sitting in the car in the freezing cold because you got locked out of the house on your way out. It's about flowers on your first date. It's about movies and popcorn, beer and pizza, coffee and pancakes. It's about goofing around, laughing out loud, having so much fun. It's about being polite and gracious, and respectful and caring and kind.

It's not much different from catching up with an old friend. Except that this has so much more... potential. I get high on the excitement of discovering someone, and someone discovering me. There is a certain kind of happiness at being found.

So I revel in it, like taking in the sun for that perfect tan. I let everything else fall away and let myself experience only this. I let myself be carried away, and I dare to expect. But what if...

I have had my share of loser relationships to know better. It always starts like this. You get swayed off your feet. You get dined and wined. You get loose. And then you get a big dose of reality. That first-time high? It wears off. All that romance in the beginning? It becomes too much work after a while. Those cute little "things" you have? They start to become annoying little habits. You start out as friends, and then in the end you can barely look at each other. Now what?

Is it really worth it?


In a world full of cynicism and distrust, I choose to believe in the inherent goodness of things and people. I choose to take full responsibility for my own happiness. Whether it lasts me a minute or a lifetime, I will take that chance. Everytime.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


You know that feeling that you used to get back in high school when you first discover the wonderful world of puppy love?
That fluttery butterfly-ery feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see your first crush walk by?
That heady tingly feeling when that light bulb suddenly flashes above your head -- *ding* -- at the exact moment when you realize you have fallen in love for the first time?
That electric jolt that runs up your arms, down your back and your legs when you imagine how your first real kiss is going to feel like?
That drunken woozy feeling that rushes to your head like a brain freeze when you breathe him in as you cuddle up close?
That silly fuzzy feeling when you know you can't wipe that teen-aged schoolgirl grin off your face?
That soft melt-as-butter feeling that makes your knees go weak everytime he holds your hand, your hair, your face?
That silly happy giddy feeling?
Yes.... that.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Starting the Year in the Zone... The Twilight Zone

The Vanilla Bear and I have always had an eerie kind of connection. We would spend a lot of time sitting in our respective cubes in the office and chatting online so it would look like we were busy working. We were almost always found out because we would be giggling too loudly and slapping our thighs so hard.

What was so LOL/LMAO/ROFL/LYSOL/BOLOL/PIMPLMAO-funny was that we were reading each other's minds. You can hear our keyboards clicking away, punctuated by the hard CLACK of the Enter key to signify being sent across. And right on cue, the stifled laughters would burst forth. Because while our fingers were busy typing, our brains were already communicating. We would be typing the exact same thing, rushing to beat the other at the Enter key, only to read back the exact same words we sent.

We called it the Twilight Zone connection, complete with the LSS-ful theme: "Ni-nu-ni-nu, ni-nu-ni-nu..." And it is special. It is almost statistically impossible to meet 1 person out of almost 7 billion in the world that you have that kind of connection with. I thought I was lucky to have that statistical impossibility tucked under my belt. Until now.

Now, I am twice as lucky. I have met another Twilight Zone connectee. B.B.T.B. currently holds the number 1 spot on the Quickest Time to Achieve category (sorry, Vanilla Bear!). It took him all of 2 seconds to establish this connection with me. He also, by the way, currently holds the record for Most Times Done in The Shortest Time Possible category. Only because I have been talking to him more than the Vanilla Bear lately.

Man, oh, man. While others are wishing they had even half a connectee, here I am with two. I wonder how it would be like to have both of them in the same room. Hhmmm... maybe we don't have to say anything at all. We would probably just be L-ing our A's O!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Ah! Regret

I hate regrets. I have tried so hard in my life not to have too many of them. So far, I have not had very big ones. The trouble with regret is that it haunts you. It sits in the dark recesses of your mind, taunting, picking away at your sanity. It never lets you forget.

It's a bad way to start the year - regretting. Wanting things to be different. Hitting yourself over the head for the things that happen which are beyond your control in the first place. Not being able to ignore that nagging voice saying over and over again: "IF ONLY..."

I should have know n this would happen. All my New Years were bummers for the last 4, maybe 5, years. It didn't matter whether I was alone, or with someone at the time -- I have never had a great New Year's.

I could have this year. I could be back in Illinois, attending a New Year's party with a new friend. That party could have been REALLY promising. But as usual, with my twisted luck (got half a horseshoe up my a$$, as he put it), I am in LA. Staying with Ma's friends -- a married couple and their 10-year old kid.

Our hosts have treated us very well. They have filled our days with tours and trips to downtown LA. We have been to 3 museums in 3 days. We spend at least 4 hours of the day in the car going from place to place. In the car, the couple picks fights with each other, and the kid throws temper tantrums in between. At the end of the day we're all tired. To top it all of, we are all getting sick.

On this New Year's eve Ma and her friend are cooking pancit, and the husband is making the rest of us watch The Incredible Hulk.


But I wasn't invited until a couple of days ago. It couldn't possibly mean so much to me to miss it, right? But that's all it takes to regret.